Written by: Cortney Brown
Edited by: Mel Howard Once upon a time, there was a belief that spellbound the people of this world. Using coercion to forcibly make those believe and justify evil acts in the name of God with the promise of Heaven. A promise already fulfilled without the unnecessary airing of Christianity. You see, without love, real love, hell can exist on Earth. Without love, you have ignorance, hate, and wicked deeds, and yet sometimes, these things are done in the name of love. How confusing. What psychiatrists would now refer to as narcissism. The empty words that say love but show as abandonment, lies, and deceit. We often see it in toxic relationships, as the vulnerable seek a way out, and the narcissist seeks a way to trap again. For the sake of theater, let's say hell does exist in the afterlife. Here is how I would imagine it would go for the common Christian zealot. *** Her name was Bella. She was just reading the good word, “God’s word,” and thoughtlessly parroted the churchy things that she was emboldened by. She grew up being taught how abortions and being gay were wrong and how if you weren’t a Christian, you'd be damned forever and ever. She went to school like any other day bringing her Bible and humming Christian tunes. She would casually insert herself into any conversation to “correct” them, even adding, “Please believe in my Christ, I’m afraid you’ll go to hell.” with the most frightened ones in the audience accepting her offer, afraid of her God maiming them. College years were an interesting affliction for Bella since, with more intelligent minds, she didn’t have much of an audience anymore. She overheard a conversation from her classmate Clara who mentioned how she had an abortion and how she didn’t have the funds or the support from the father to take care of the baby. She had 2 more years of college. Yet her decision was mostly based on the potential life she was going to have. Love was real to her, and she didn’t have enough of it to give to this precious new life that needed it desperately. Bella found herself in this young woman’s face, telling her, “You’re a baby killer,” and how “that baby didn’t deserve to die.” And that her “Jesus will damn you to hell for killing such an innocent soul.” Bella only knew what her church family told her and the pictures they showed her. Never seeing the source at the bottom of the page and not even knowing what that means in a young and vulnerable mind. All she thought was the church would never lie… Now, Clara being the spitfire that she was, didn’t appreciate Bella butting into her private conversation. Spitting a ” FUCK OFF” at the stunned Christian, she continued, “What about me and my life?! What money and prince charming is going to appear from thin air to make this life better? That was my best choice and chance. Stick to what you know, piece of shit.” Clara was embarrassed. Bella practically told the whole classroom. Not knowing if others would understand her why. As she thought of this, her friend Lori came to her and told her, “ You are alright.” Bella was in shock. She tried looking into her book for help as she saw a very upset Clara storm off with her friend Lori as she glared at Bella while opening her book. Nothing, oh wait, here it is. Nope. Oh well, my church said it’s a sin, she thought, as a lesbian couple skipped down the hall full of laughter. Ugh, sinners, she thought. They’re going to go to hell if I don’t say something. I have to, I care for them, and I know God is on my side, she thought as a numb tinge in her heart told her to stop again. “Hey! Can I tell you about my Jesus?” “Um, no,” they replied, laughing. As they walked away, she grabbed one of their shirt sleeves and begged, “Please, you’ll go to hell if you don’t change your ways.” Bella remembered the first time she saw a gay man. He was standing in line at Stanley’s Market. The smell of bleach water consumed the air as the teenage cashier mopped the atrocious amount of baby vomit in a nonchalant manner before returning to the register. He grinned wide, showing his blue-colored braces. He was clearly under the influence. “That’s wacky tobaccy,” said her mother. Stiff-lipped and freckled, she knew how to say things on her mind. The gay man in the tight blues jeans and gorgeous skin puts his hand in his partner’s back pocket. “ That’s a one-way ticket to hell.” Confident that somehow she’s right. Back to the present moment, a tattooed hand smacked her across the face, “How dare you talk to my girl like that! Come on, Kelly, let’s go. Are you okay?” The couple walked down the hall, hating Christianity even more. A reaction they were not fond of but necessary to save themselves. “Get out of my house! If you’re not practicing the Lord’s word, you’re practicing the devil’s!” Kelly’s mother screamed. Kelly remembers wiping her angry hot tears. She knew this was coming. She had to work 6 hours after school to get enough money to move out or in case she was thrown out. She felt like the luckiest girl in the entire world with Shonda. She was always there, even when they came out to each other. She was surprised when Shonda replied, “Me too.” Since then, their friendship transformed into a relationship and an uphill battle to hide it from Kelly’s family. They will smite you, and they will hate you for speaking the word, Bella desperately repeated what her congregation said whenever she doubted her faith. *** A year later, she found herself in front of a Planned Parenthood, intentionally shaming women entering the building. You’re killing babies. You’ll regret it, a large yellow poster said. The woman holding this sign was once a teenager with long brunette hair and was just starting to date. Not knowing this man would leave her pregnant and alone, she had an abortion and hated herself. How could she cope? A 16-year-old girl with dirty blonde curly hair with a cross locket makes her way through the doors as the woman spits “baby killer!” in her ear. Almost in tears, she ran in with her mother and approached the woman at the front counter. “My name is Elizabeth. I called in to make an appointment about a yeast infection,” she said, swallowing back the knot in her throat. Looking up at her mother, she asked, “Why did those people call me a baby killer?” Emphasizing “those.” “Not at you, baby. They thought you were here to get an abortion,” the woman muttered that last part silently. “But I’m not. What’s their problem?” Elizabeth was still a virgin. Although her moral compass didn’t always point North, she had a knack for romance. Her mother taught her about birth control and self-respect but, most of all, what to find in a romantic partner. Her knowledgeable mother smiled, knowing that the alternative without safe abortions would be sex and human trafficking and a lack of quality of life as a whole. She quietly said, “They don’t know.” “Yeah, well, I saw their church van. Now I know where they go on Sundays.” “Yes, sweetheart,” she said, half grinning. Bella overheard the two, wide-eyed with cold sweats. What are they planning? Are they going to attack our church?? This is too much, she thought, now fully aware that people are displeased with her actions. She goes home not being able to shake off the embarrassment. She prayed and prayed as she constantly hit the spiritual wall. *** A year later, Bella started working at a grocery store in the middle of town, Stanley’s Grocery. She noticed a man sitting on the side of the street. Tsking him, she thought, He’s there because he doesn’t know my Jesus. She dropped a quarter in his cup and asked, “Can I tell you about my Jesus?” “Thank you, errr, thanks, but I’m alright,” he gave a bleak smile. “But you need to know about Him so that he can save you from homelessness.” *** He was a combat soldier back in Desert Storm. He was from the countryside. Where when the sun rose, the clouds painted across the sky a vision of Heaven. That’s where he met Tiffany, the girl of his dreams. He wanted a life worth living with her, and the only way there was to sign up for the Army. They would pay for his education, housing, and healthcare. He came back from his first tour with nothing but nightmarish memories. Not realizing this disease he brought back with him turned him to alcohol, and lost his wife to the abuse. “I didn’t mean it,” he often told her. “The alcohol took over,” he said as she wiped the blood from her nose, twitching at his apology. The memories of them riding around in his father’s red vintage truck on a beautiful autumn day didn’t matter to her anymore. The first time they felt the surge of love when they touched each other's hand. Those memories burned inside of her mind as the fire ignited to now serve another purpose, to move on. “This is the last time!!! I want a DIVORCE!!!…. ivorce…. vorce…” echoed in his mind. A painful memory that often calls for a drink. “Mr… Sir? Did you hear me? Haven’t you had enough of this? Don’t you want to at least be in paradise when you die?” She muttered to him as a couple of passersby looked grimly at her. “Thank you, miss, but I’ve had my share in hell and my share with the Lord, and yet I’m still here. So, thank you again, but I find no redemption in your Jesus.” She was the 20th “concerned Christian” to deliver this message to him this week. The last guy was a minister who was cheating on his wife with the youth leader. He saw it with his own eyes. As this church group did generously set up home-cooked meals for him to eat, he saw this man and a young woman wearing a shirt saying, “ Jesus is the Reason for the Season” kiss when they thought no one was looking. He came out of the corner bush after they left to be with the others as he zipped up his pants. The wind kicked up, and he could smell the fresh urine on the leaves. The cheater 30 minutes later had the audacity to preach to him that day. She looked stunned but was still determined to help him, “Please, sir, God loves you, and he wants you to be happy and to live in joy and harmony.” “If God loved me so much, then why am I here??” He said intently, frustrated but curious about what else she had to say. “You just have to ask and believe in Him.” “I DID BELIEVE IN HIM! ANY GOOD GOD OUT THERE WOULD NEVER HAVE TO BE ASKED; HE WOULD HAVE JUST DONE IT!” He screamed so loudly his throat hurt, and the birds scattered from the echo under the bridge. *** Bella ran off, thinking demons might have gotten him, and it was too late for him to reach Heaven now. Running back into the store, she tripped on the Jesus statue, something the store managers refused to remove regardless of the safety complaints of customers. Her chin made contact with a metal beam, instantly breaking her neck and ending her short, ungodly life. “Hellooo… hellooo. Where am I ??! God! Jesus! Somebody!!!” “Hey, what’s up?” A cold creature lurked in the dark corners of this mysterious room. Gleaming, he stares at her as if he’s known her all his life. He tilted his head, waiting for her reply. *Gasp* “…You’re not Jesus are you?” “No.” He quickly said as if he hated the name, casually placing his hand dripping with tar on the side of his cheek. “But I can be,” he mentioned confidently with a wicked grin. He swirled his fingers in the black puddle in front of him, waiting for her reply. She had a sudden, frightened feeling that she must have died and, for some reason, ended up in this place. “Jesus, my lord, savior, please help me!! I’m a Christian; I’m a Christian; I’m A CHRISTIAN!” Panting and galloping around the room, she looked around the gray atmosphere with a tiny light peering at her from above while wanna-be Jesus stuck to his corner. Yawning, he said, “How long are you gonna keep that up for? If it didn’t work in your life before, then what makes you think it’ll work in this one?” “What, what?!! No, no, no, no. I know my Jesus. He would not forsake me.” “Pish posh, darling, you must have done something wrong if you ended up here.” “What?” “What do you mean ‘what?’ You’re telling me that in that teeny-tiny brain of yours, or now worm food, you’ve never once thought that maybe, just maybe, it’s really good people that belong in Heaven?” “I AM A GOOD PERSON! I’m a Christian! That’s who Christians are! We are God’s People! My pastor said so!” “Oh, alright, then”, he said nonchalantly. “Then what are you doing here? Did God make a mistake, sweetheart? Or maybe you’re wrong and made a few wrong moves,” he said, walking his fingers as he talked. She thought about it for a second. Is this a test? He could hear her stupid voice in his head. “For the love of all that is good and pure, what do you really think? Do you really and absolutely think that, or are you just protecting yourself? We’re no longer on the big, bad wolf planet anymore, dearie. We have nothing else to protect. You are purely you now. So please let yourself be.” She was tired of talking to this imp. “Just shut up! I belong in Heaven, and you, YOU, deserve to be here!” She felt betrayed. How could she believe in so many lies for so long? What would her life have been like had she just known better, taught better, been influenced better? “Oooo,” he slyly laughed, “how very Christian of you.” *** A few months later, still stuck in the gray, airy shaft with Rupert, as he calls himself, she was still there. “I don’t get it; I thought I did everything right. I followed the good book,” she said with a sick twinge in her stomach. Was I wrong? She thinks as warm light and glitter fall from the air above. “I was wrong,” she said out loud. “What?” Rupert slid himself over to catch the glitter on his tongue. “Mmm… sweet redemption,” he said, smiling at her humility. The taste temporarily transported him back to the land that he belonged to. Taken back to the sweet nectar from the large coral-colored flowers and fruit as big as the whales in the sea. All time, dreams, and so many souls living all together in harmony. Fitting perfectly together like completing a Thomas Kinkade puzzle with the last piece. With months to think about why she was still there, with no one but Rupert to guide her, she felt more like herself, something she hadn’t felt in a very long time. “So, Rubert,” she finally asked, “Why are you here?” He sees no reason to tell her everything. She has so much work to do, and so many things to focus on. She doesn’t even know that he’s a part of her. “For you,” he replied. “What do you mean?” “You’ll see..” A couple of days later, she thought about that warm feeling that fell from the air. “So I’m wrong, so okay, I was wrong,” she said as she remembered the pain she felt, wanting to forget it ever happened. “What am I going to do about it now, though? I’m dead. I can’t take it back, and I can’t fix it. I’m doomed forever.” Rupert, of course, overheard her conversations with herself and laughed a deep laugh, throwing her off guard. “What are you laughing at?” “You are so dumb.” “Excuse me??” She found herself sounding a lot like her mother. “You know, you’re lucky that I’m here. There are a lot of souls that took them years to get out. Without me, it might have taken you a whole century.” “Fucking prick.” “HAAHAAAHAAAHAA!” he roared again even louder. Now, he couldn't stop laughing. “Wait, what did you say… there’s a way out?” “Yeah! You really thought the Good Forces were that mindless and delicate? Eventually, they’ll come around. I mean, sure, sometimes you’ll fail but, you know, we’re all just souls here. Only so many can be helped at a time.” “So you’re my helper?” “Yes.” “Why do you look like that?” “I like to blend in,” he shrugged. “So, what do I do?” “You build up your strength, of course,” he responded, ending it with a gesture as if to say at your service. “How do I do that?” *** After many lessons with Rupert, now was the time for action. She embraced herself feeling silent, peaceful, and empathetic as if she’d missed that feeling before. Surprisingly, she regarded a genuine connection to the people she vexed, cringing from the memories of who she was. A golden rope appeared to reconnect her back to Earth. “Oh… I see.” She pulled on this strong yet soft Persian-like rope, mesmerized by its existence. She entered into all of her memories now that they are all so clear. She could see where she was wrong but also the rare times she was right, visiting those that resented her to make things right. Glitter continued to fall as it piled onto the ground, shaking up the now visible shaft, much like an elevator, back to the world’s level. Until they got up to see the Earth through a spirit’s eyes. “I’m almost there, we’re almost here!!” “Good, good! You’ve got one more.” “But that’s all. I can’t find anyone or thing that I’ve hurt. That’s it.” “Sweetheart. The last and most precious lesson.” Rupert, now looking a lot like her, held out his hand, and through the tar, she saw her reflection staring back. Gasping at the vague resemblance of her prior self, following a tear down her cheek as it reflects the light. “Me,” she said lowly. Suddenly struck by memories of swallowing down her own thoughts and words through all the lies her Sunday school studies taught her and through witnessing to people how she forgot to be a witness to herself. She saw that part of herself, Rupert, saying, “No. Stop it. You’re hurting yourself,” as she snipped and lost the connection. The peace was within if only she believed in herself. Recognizing that one verse she read once that she’d soon forgotten, “The kingdom of Heaven is within you.” She felt the bright warm light glowing as she transcended to the Outside Realm. *** If you've ever been like Bella, *raises hand* I do truly believe that there is a greater force out there that has the power unlike any human you've ever known to love us fully no matter how awful we may be. Since being a little girl, I have always believed in an unconditionally loving God. Maybe once we believe in the things we do so honestly believe in, we could truly live on Earth as it is in Heaven.
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Cortney Sloan Owner of North Alabama's Eco Business, Panacea: Feng Shui & Medical Massage. |